The Life of M

I think that at certain points in everyone’s lives, we need to write. It doesn’t matter what it’s for, if it’s good or not, if it will ever be read, if it’s grammatically correct with perfect spelling, or if it even makes sense. Follow with me as I take a stroll down metaphorical lane…

It’s as if there is a tub in your head. Things—thoughts, emotions, actions, choices, decisions, dilemmas, loss, change—pour into the tub sometimes at an alarming and overwhelming rate and sometimes at the speed of a dripping faucet. When you write, you’re pulling the plug on the tub and letting loose all of that stuff that’s in your head—that you can’t talk about, that you can’t quite put into words spoken, that you just need to process somewhere other than your head—out.

Me, mostly I write for enjoyment, but I have lots of times where I just need to pull the plug and let everything drain out. It’s been a tough year with what feels like one loss after one disappointment after one tragedy after another. And, as I sit here and think about it, it’s killing me that I can’t find the right words to say so I try writing them instead.

I worry about saying the wrong thing and something that I’ve never really understood until now is what people mean when they say, “I understand what you’re going through.” How? Did you have a relationship identical to mine with the person I care about? I’m pretty sure that one way I’m feeling about losing my grandfather isn’t the same experience as that of my cousins. So what gives me the right to look at other people, friends and acquaintances and strangers and say, “I understand what you’re going through.”? Before, I couldn’t answer this question but now I think I see it a little more clearly.

I think it’s the fact that we’re all feeling the same way, whether you’re losing a grandfather, or a father, or an uncle, or a grandmother, or a family friend. And whether you’re rooting for someone to fight for the will to live or be eased gently out of their suffering, it’s this gut-wrenching pain that this is a good person, this is a person who has lived their life fairly and honestly and deserves, for once in their life, for things to be easy. This is a person who understands that life isn’t easy and they act accordingly, struggling through challenges and overcoming obstacles and now, when they’ve reached the downhill stretch, life should be easy.

And it’s not. It’s not fair and it’s not easy and it’s never nice. But there is that one thread between people who have to watch people they love suffer. So yes, I do understand how you feel.